I'm not happy any more.
Maybe it's the fact that you're a bore.
Keeping you entertained is a fucking chore.
Sick of the act of choking- hor.
Monday, June 28, 2010
June 28, 2010
Why do I keep smoking shit back into my ass? A physical reality metaphor for holding on to baggage? Old habits? Not facing fears?
Been having dreams lately, that I can remember. Well at least, I was. When i quit smoking that shit. And it's not ''that shit'' I'm scrutinizing. It's my dependance on the shit. Any shit. Deep-end-dance. I'm dancin' in the deep-end.
Been taking frustrations out on ex-and kids lately. I hate that about myself. My friend and I had an at least eight hour short session the other nite with talk and wine. I felt quite nourished the next day. Not like when i would go out to ''fill my cup'' with drink and shallow interractions. Okay not always shallow...
Anyhow, my friend is an amazing listener and a natural ''therapist''. I said something to her I've never really admitted to myself. Whether what I said is true or not, it holds some truth to me. I said out loud, that my father didn't love me. All he wanted me from me was sex. It really hurt and I cried over it a bit, before getting on with it.
It felt good to get it out and will hopefully open up the doors to understanding what I want from a relationship. At the moment I feel am the mental age of twelve. When I arrived in Ireland I felt the mental age of nine, so I have mentally aged a year for every year I've been here.
I find I am clueless about intimate relationships and have no advice for anyone. The habitual thinking that I am a sex-object for men has blurred my vision and my honesty toward myself and others. Boy does it get lonely in here.
I want to shed behaviors that are not serving me to blast upward.
Love, Becky From-The-Start-Not-Yet-Finished.
Been having dreams lately, that I can remember. Well at least, I was. When i quit smoking that shit. And it's not ''that shit'' I'm scrutinizing. It's my dependance on the shit. Any shit. Deep-end-dance. I'm dancin' in the deep-end.
Been taking frustrations out on ex-and kids lately. I hate that about myself. My friend and I had an at least eight hour short session the other nite with talk and wine. I felt quite nourished the next day. Not like when i would go out to ''fill my cup'' with drink and shallow interractions. Okay not always shallow...
Anyhow, my friend is an amazing listener and a natural ''therapist''. I said something to her I've never really admitted to myself. Whether what I said is true or not, it holds some truth to me. I said out loud, that my father didn't love me. All he wanted me from me was sex. It really hurt and I cried over it a bit, before getting on with it.
It felt good to get it out and will hopefully open up the doors to understanding what I want from a relationship. At the moment I feel am the mental age of twelve. When I arrived in Ireland I felt the mental age of nine, so I have mentally aged a year for every year I've been here.
I find I am clueless about intimate relationships and have no advice for anyone. The habitual thinking that I am a sex-object for men has blurred my vision and my honesty toward myself and others. Boy does it get lonely in here.
I want to shed behaviors that are not serving me to blast upward.
Love, Becky From-The-Start-Not-Yet-Finished.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
HI just starting this now. This is the honesty cafe or whatever the fuck you wanna call it. This is a blog- i wish it was a site; where you can say anything you want, without trying to attack any individual, but without fear of upsetting the status quo.
Use humor use language ask questions expose your deepest fears and rid of them! If we can't be honest with eachother, i think it makes it harder to be honest to ourselves. Share art you think is beautiful that would be offensive to share elsewhere.
I'll shut-up and start mine first thought of the blog #1....
Blog #1
-----------
Lately I have an insatiable appetite for sex. I have no partner, but even if i was getting any i don't think it would be enough to satisfy this longing inside me. What is it? I've had it been there before. it's craving masterbating things into space....ace.... Hypnotizing mesmorizing nervous ghosts...osts....
Is it the folliculum the homeopath gave me? I don't think so because it seemed to start before i began that. Hmmm
Use humor use language ask questions expose your deepest fears and rid of them! If we can't be honest with eachother, i think it makes it harder to be honest to ourselves. Share art you think is beautiful that would be offensive to share elsewhere.
I'll shut-up and start mine first thought of the blog #1....
Blog #1
-----------
Lately I have an insatiable appetite for sex. I have no partner, but even if i was getting any i don't think it would be enough to satisfy this longing inside me. What is it? I've had it been there before. it's craving masterbating things into space....ace.... Hypnotizing mesmorizing nervous ghosts...osts....
Is it the folliculum the homeopath gave me? I don't think so because it seemed to start before i began that. Hmmm
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