Hey this is a new blog. I had an impulse to start one, looked up ''Blogger'', and there I was! ''Rebecca No Hair'' Now I remember starting it. I had completely forgotten. Way back in 2010 it was. Before I met Shane. Right before. So here now I sit. In a different space, literally and figuratively. The other house makes me think of Darek and bad Christmases, except for the snow.
My kids miss that house a lot. It was a nice place. Just too far out for me. And I had decided to try a new school for different reasons. Now the boys go to the Gael School in Bantry. It's been a good school as far as schools go. I don't like the whole school thang, but that's me. I love my free time.
I'm going to be taking a course or getting work of some sort. The lone-parents allowance is ending on March 19th. I just switch over to Job Seekers Allowance and then apply to take a course. Theirs different schemes such as Back to Education. I'd like to do something like that.
I don't really like writing on the computer. It's so much less intimate to me than sitting in my bed and writing in a journal. I feel like the whole world's watching me. That's how self-conscious I am.
A blog. What is a blog for? To inform? To share your deep thoughts? I mean it's a free for all really, within reason in't it?
What's going on at the moment? Well quite a bit has been going on since...forever...but this round has ''started'' on St. Stephens Day. You can't really say when it started because one thing leads to the next doesn't it? How the hell could i write this all down? Where would I start? I have so much floating around in my head at the moment...Uncle Jer, Kathy, Shane, the kids, Laden, Chris, Myself, school, et etc. And none of it seems to matter. Matter enough to write about. I want to write but I want to write about something that really matters. There must be a way of telling a story with out going in to detail. A way of conveying the lessons involved...without going in to the human detailing of things. That's where I can get lost I think. Example: ''Did you fuck him??!!''
''There was a bird.................''
''Did you fuck him??!!''
''There was a bird........................''
''Did you....??!!''
''.........................................................................''
''..................??!!'',
instead of, ''No!!!!!!!!!!''
Yes, human suffering is what we're talking about. Real human suffering. I know mental anguish. I don't know if I know physical pain like others do. I've never been hit in my life. How deep does the pain go? My 8 yr old and I were speaking tonight of my brother who's going through a hard time at the moment. A very hard time. It was a special moment my son and I were sharing. I told him how someone could believe they are bad because of certain treatments as a child. I told him how it colors what you see. I mentioned my father's part in it. He said I should tell his Uncle that he didn't have a regular dad. We talked a bit more and I said that he himself had a good father didn't he? He said, ''He's good now but he didn't used to be.''
We talked about when his father used to hit him when he was drunk. I didn't know this at the time and I don't know what he went through. I know it's stopped. As soon as my boy said something to me these few yrs ago I stopped them from going over there. Their dad didn't see them for awhile, but then went and got help and stopped drinking. He is a very good father and loves his children very much. The kids enjoy going with him. But I wonder what happened and how bad it was. They never had a bruise on them that I could see. But I have and can imagine their dad being a bully and possibly getting in their faces and tap smacking their faces for some reason. I've been with him a lot when he drinks and he just turns in to an asshole. He's never hit me or threatened to and he's always denied it when I've confronted him about the kids' accusations. But I believe my children.
So what? I'm writing some kind of on-line journal? What for? This is not what a blog is for. Is it? I don't know I've never really looked at one. I've seen a couple and their usually about something speific like mom tips or craft things, or exercise or whatever. I was going to start one for my Lent. But this is the only way I know how to write at the moment. I should not post this. I've had to change people's names and shit. And who would be interested in this rant anyway? There's no structure.
Do you know I just remembered what I wanted to say in my blog? This is what I wanted to talk about...
Just let me go get a cuppa and smoke one first. This might be good....
Okay here's the question: Have you ever been ''hanging'' out with someone for years, having cups of tea by the fire, or having pseudo discussions, or ''sharing'' art and ideas...and then you go through some shit and you grow, and then suddenly it becomes clear that you don't enjoy this person's company hardly at all and you never really have!?! What are you supposed to do for the poor other person!!!?? Do you explain it all to them so they have a chance to learn and grow? I guess I could. I could tell him all about my people pleasing problem I've dealt with all my life, and tell him that my whole relationship with him has been based on that. I could tell him that his incessant blabbing makes me feel absolutely drained when I go away. Or I could just tell him I don't want to be friends anymore. I could just ignore him and let him fade in to the distance...Maybe I should write Anne Landers. If she's still even alive and coherent that is.
Sometimes I wonder how fucked up I really am. I wouldn't know because if I was that fucked up then all my associates would be about that-fucked up as well! It's all relative. But that's what I mean, I didn't realize how fucked-up my ''friend'' was, because I was that fucked-up myself. ...Should I tell him that??
I just want to be myself. And that's what I told him. What does my true self want in regards to this relationship? I don't want to ignore him. That would take energy. Negative energy. How can I be positive? I think being as honest as one can be and owning all that they are. That's how. But does that mean not mentioning anything about the other person? Okay wait... I had a thought...Where did it go? Oh yes...I can look at all the things he does that irritate me and look at myself through that port hole. Yes...
So! Going to look now...See that's why I keep forgetting my thought about it. A part of me is trying to avoid the ''looking''....Now...focus child! (i say to myself) ....PPPbbblllffff!!!! (Raspberry)
Have to start a new paragraph for this one I think. Yes looking at thyself. Looking inwards,...IN...Inside...the looking glass....judge myself. My Self...my sneaky little elf...hehehe....see how much I am avoiding? This is interesting....This is what I do. This is when I will LOSE my Self. I am lost. Lost in the trees. But there is a way out. There is a compass. That still small Voice. The craving and intuition are the one's at play. Like the devil and the angel. There's some truth to that. There's got to be. The human condition. Why do some of us have more craving than others? Karma or what?
New paragraph...what will it be. Free flow from the Start Not Yet Finished. Why do I think of Brett (can't think of psuedoname for him he's just Brett) when I write that? I think it's related to creativity. Yes. I really feel like painting now.
Avoiding avoiding avoiding....that word reminds me of the word avacado...
Do you like coffee?
I like tea.
Would you have any smoke?
There's plenty for me.
Picking your nose is a relaxing sport
or would you like eating,
are you that kinda sort?
Thinking and dreaming
will do fine for now,
but when that tires out
I'll create a drama somehow.
Hormones are strong
I have to masturbate,
Over and over
I just can't wait.
What sensation have we now?
Will you tickle my back ?
Get closer my love
to my little Love Shack.
I'll slip and I'll slide
all over your body
Make me feel dirty
Make me feel naughty.
I feel empty
and shallow
like paper so thin
I need the sensation
to feel normal again.
Phew...i like that poem. Just wrote it. My stomach has a pain from tea. ...My hands look old as I write this. Nobby and wrinkled. I need to drink more water. I'm going on a fast on March 5. No coffee, tea, cigarettes, smoke, drink, sugar. Will do tai chi, dancing, singing, painting, drawing, walking,...these things will keep me busy. Just have to do them! Oh yeah and there's the West Lodge. I won't know what the fuck to do with myself all day!!! It's crazy! It's going to happen!! Oh and I must get up to Dozchen Beara the Buddhist Retreat Center. I want to book a room for three nights on the weekend of March 5...So the 7th 8th and 9th. I should do that tomorrow. Jesus my candida's getting bad. Itchy ears, itchy ass, pain in my stomach. :(
I don't want to go to bed tonight. I just had the best shot of organic cayenne pepper. Wow can't get over how good that stuff is. Seems so much better than non-organic as well. It's lovely! I'm awake and can breathe great and have no pain! Better go to bed soon though anyway. I'm always a wreck in the mornings.
